“For me, I think one of the biggest battles is mentally. You have good days, and you have bad days.”
Jimmy Graham
I don’t say today is a “good” day, because it’s not. It hasn’t been “good” in quite some time. I remember “good” days, and this does not fit the definition.
But today is a “better” day. I’m not feeling warped with anxiety, drowned by anguish, constantly attacked by intrusive thoughts. I’ve cried twice, but in between, I don’t feel desperate grief. I feel OK. I can concentrate on work; I can relax in windows of normalcy within my mind.
I’ve learned to be grateful for these windows. I do miss my old self: who I was back in college and early adulthood. I miss the carefree excitement I used to feel for life, how starry-eyed and hopeful I was for the future.
I wish I could feel that same excitement today, but any time I begin to experience a hint of it, something inside reminds me I don’t deserve it. I can’t have fun.
I don’t know why I feel this way. I suppose this confusion, this mystery, is why I began therapy. I’m sure I will learn the answer in time.
But until I reach that point, I’m grateful for the better days like today. They offer a sense of relief and allow me to breathe. Right now, I just need to breathe.
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