“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.”
Rudyard Kipling, The Light That Failed
Today, I almost broke off contact with my life partner and one of my parents.
And I feel ashamed.
I’m ashamed because I love them both, but I also grew scared–scared that I cannot trust my own judgement, that I was somehow harming myself, that to heal, I needed to be alone.
I decided against it. Thank God.
I never spoke to my parent about it. My partner, on the other hand, I did. We almost broke up because I was so confused. Life felt overwhelming and wrong. I didn’t understand where these intense desires to isolate came from.
After reading some articles from reputable sources like Healthline and Psychology Today, I realized the need to isolate is a symptom of trauma. One might even grow confused about his or her life.
My therapist also told me the inability to trust one’s own judgement is common with trauma-induced mental illness.
Right now, I’m feeling calmer again, and I’m grateful for the moment, because I know it won’t last. The waves must be crazy-making for others. Even my coworkers asked if I was OK.
In these moments where I feel more sane, I remind myself that I’m just beginning the journey of therapy. I found a fantastic counselor. Now, I need to allow time and science to do their magic.
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